There are certain traumas buried within you, certain feelings that you don’t want to feel because it hurts too much. Normally you are very good at not triggering yourself to feel those feelings, you control yourself and your conditions so that you don’t have to feel that way. But when you do let go of control, which for you usually involves eating what you have labeled bad foods, these feelings come to the surface. The feelings that you have buried deep, that you deny, that you refuse to feel. Such as the shame over being who you are, body and soul. You link these feelings to the food, but it is in truth linked to you letting go of control. You blame the food for feeling this way, and you have a belief that if you just don’t eat this kind of food, the feelings will just go away. As if you can ignore the fear or never have to process the fear, if you just never eat sugar.
No matter what you do, with food or drugs or alcohol, you never fake any feeling. The feeling is always real, within you, but you use the drugs to either feel what you cannot create without drugs, such as feeling relaxed or happy. OR you use the drug to cover up what you normally feel, to not have to feel so intensely. What you usually do is you control yourself so you don’t have to feel the pain or negative emotions that are within you, and the only time you feel them is when you let go of control and eat food that is “forbidden”. The feelings that you then allow to come up, are your real feelings, not fake feelings. And they come up because you are finally letting go of control for a little while. They show themselves because they need your attention. You need to acknowledge that you feel this way, and then process those feelings.
Why do you feel this way? What is it you believe about yourself to be true, that makes you feel this way? Find the limiting beliefs, and then change them. These feelings are there to signal you that you have beliefs that are limiting you, beliefs that need to change. As long as you keep avoiding the manifestation events, as long as you keep avoiding these feelings, you cannot change the cause of them. You cannot change a part of you that you refuse to acknowledge. Through acknowledging these feelings, these beliefs, you also start to heal the wound that these beliefs have created. Simply seeing these parts of you, allowing them to be seen, is enough to start that healing. When you can look at these parts, love and accept them, you heal even more. These parts are not weaknesses, they are just confused parts because you have misunderstood. You are not unworthy, you have just misunderstood and now feel unworthy. But that does not make you unworthy, it is just a misunderstanding of who you are. Now that you allow the pain to come to the surface, you can heal it through loving the part of you who feels shameful. You can love her and let her know, let yourself know, that you have nothing to be ashamed about. You just believed in a lie, but now you can stop believing in that lie, and start believing you are worthy and perfect.
And yes, your recent insights and understanding about how you use food to feel what you otherwise refuse to feel, is correct! The food is not the enemy, it is simply the tool. Because you are so good at controlling yourself, at holding the pain at a distance through your control, one of the few ways you can feel is in those rare moments when you let go of control over food, and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Think about how you now use food to feel, to force yourself to feel. The urge to eat is really the urge to deal with your feelings and your limiting beliefs. And what do you think would happen if you were already dealing with these feelings, so the urge was no longer necessary? What would your experience around food be like, if you didn’t need to use it as a tool to feel what you are now denying, but if it was just food? If you no longer needed the urge for sugar, in order to allow yourself to feel, what would happen to that urge? And how would life be for you without needing the urge in order to feel your emotions?