You have certain habits that are hurting you, and that keeps holding you back from what you desire. It could be eating habits keeping you from the body you want, spending money to keep you from feeling abundant, rejecting people to keep you from being rejected yourself.
The very habit that you use to try to keep pain away, is the same habit that keeps joy away. When you desire something, anything at all, you always desire a change. You want to move from lack to abundance, from pain to pleasure. No matter what specifically you want, that desire is always a desire for change.
Wanting to experience a change in energy within you leads you to add energy to your body, such as food or drugs. You try to manipulate your within energy by adding energy from outside of you. The problem is this will never satisfy you. Your desire for change comes from your partial alignment to a part of your own energy that has up until now been hidden from your awareness. You feel the calling of this energy, and it calls for you to change so you can fully align, and open up to becoming aware of and integrating this part of you. But instead you try to add energy from outside of your body.
What you long for is to change your perception of self so that you can align to this new part of you that is calling you. The change you seek is a change in your vibration, in your own energy. You want to add more of your own consciousness to your current energy, and that is the change you desire!
When you birth a desire that desire requires you to change. If your current perception of self is blocking this thing from manifesting you will have a strong desire for change but also a fear of changing your perception of self as that perception is your identity. The conflict is between your desire for change and your fear of change, creating an inner tension.
Your desire is calling you to change, but because you don’t understand the calling you reach for outside tools to change. And when you feel the longing for food/substances but try to not eat, you feel like you are going against your own desires, which creates inner conflict. The desire is true, the longing and your need to give in to the desire, is also true. You have just misunderstood what precisely it is you desire!