To go from putting others first to putting yourself first can be hard. You have decades of training and brainwashing behind you. There is a certain momentum behind your ideas and thoughts. A heavy habit of seeing yourself in a certain way. It takes time and effort to change this, and even trying to change your habits is taxing on a body that is already tired. You didn’t do any mistakes. You are not lacking in any way. You are doing everything just the way you are meant to. But maybe give yourself some grace in the middle of this major change?
To put yourself first seems like a cruel and selfish way to live. It is not. That is an illusion created so that you would be easy to control. Not you specifically but humans in general. The way you perceive yourself and others who put themselves first is a habit created of centuries of the old approach. While you are trying to change your way of thinking and perceiving yourself, you are being bombarded with judgement for your new approach. Not by others but by yourself. As you are doing your best to love yourself and allow yourself to receive, you have a back ground software program running on judgement of this “lazy and selfish” approach. The background programming is trying to keep you safe, trying to keep you put in the spot you have been safe for years and years. It is just your “ego” trying to keep you safe where it has experienced your safety for all this time. This is not wrong, it just is. Your ego is not wrong, it just is.
Understanding that you will experience resistance within yourself to the process of liberation, will help you accept yourself and your body when it feels like you are not progressing. Because it is a process of liberation. A revolution of sorts. You are freeing yourself from the chains that you have put on yourself, and this is a sudden and very taxing toll for all of your being including your body. You are now spending huge amounts of energy on monitoring your thoughts and feelings, on changing those thoughts and feelings, and on being aware of what is happening both outside of and within you. This energy has to come from somewhere. This energy would otherwise be spent on taking care of the body, or through creative powers. Now you are spending the extra energy on aligning yourself to a new ideal. This is a wonderful change, and perfectly aligned with who you truly are, it is just a strain on you.
Change can be easy and it can be effortless, but for most people it is not. You are also in this a part of most people. You can separate yourself from the flock in how you react to this: you can accept and love yourself a little bit more now, knowing you are doing important and energy depleting work. Even though the changes are positive and opens you up to be more light and love, the process of change in itself is taking a lot of focus and energy. After a little while it will become easier, and the background software will be one that helps you do this effortlessly. For now it just takes a little bit extra energy to get you started in this new direction. Accept this. Love this. Love the part of you that is bravely throwing herself into this change, not knowing what will come next. Recognize that you are doing amazing work, and that you are carrying a heavy load right now.
The darkness that you process with your loving thoughts needs to be removed from your system. Both energetically and physically. This happens on its own. For a while there will be quite the amount of density and darkness going out, leaving your energetic and physical body. This will be felt both emotionally and physically. It might feel like you are going backwards. But you are not. You are just clearing old, old wounds and old, deep tissues of darkness. The clearing out is a process. Once the old wounds are cleaned, you will feel better, lighter, and have more energy. The new thoughts will be attracted more easily, and the new habits will come quicker and with less effort. For now, allow the process and love yourself through it. You are doing brilliantly! Simply give yourself time and space. You are healing yourself from your core, with your essence of love. See yourself as pure, healed, and glowing. Bathe yourself in your own healing light. The light of Source that you are. You are doing brilliantly.