Q: If I see myself as good enough, won’t life be boring? If I never try to improve, and not have anymore goals I need to achieve?
A: You are attached to these goals because you use them to feel worthy. If you can only master this, get that thing done, if you can only achieve this and that, THEN you will know you are worthy. You fear letting go of this, because if you do let go of trying to prove you are worthy, then you are left with having to do the work and simply choosing to see yourself as worthy. If you can no longer use outside validation to feel good, or use the accomplishment of tasks to make you feel good enough, then you are left with the scary choice of having to believe in YOU!! It feels so much safer to just continue to try to prove your worth through doing, because at least then you can focus your mind on the tasks, and not have to listen to your heart calling you to surrender. You distract yourself with work, tasks to do, so that you can feel busy and like you are “bettering yourself”.
You are so used to this pain of feeling like you need to earn love, to prove your worthiness, that the absence of pain seems boring. You are resisting letting go of this pain, because to feel pain is your comfort zone. What will you feel if you don’t feel this pain? You worry that the unknown is an even worse pain, and so you choose to stay with the pain you know, because at least you know you can deal with this pain. You will not simply wake up and feel worthy one day. You have to choose it, over and over again. You have to remind yourself, to reprogram your mind. It is a task, just like the other tasks you put so much effort into. The difference with this task though, is that it has an end. When you seek to prove your worth through doing, you are chasing a ghost, something that keeps slipping out of your fingers. You can never achieve it, because as long as you believe you are unworthy, there is no task big enough to make you worthy. There will always be more you need to fix, more you need to accomplish. You are chasing an illusion, and so it can never be caught.
If you accepted yourself as worthy, you could still do the same things you do now, have the same hobbies. But you would not have to use these hobbies to prove your worth. You could just enjoy doing them, because it is fun. It is sort of like with your eating habits: is it more fun to eat when you know you shouldn’t? Is it more fun to eat when you feel guilty, and feel like you should starve yourself? Or is it more fun when you can just enjoy the croissant, the ice cream, the risotto? Is it more fun to eat from a place of guilt and fear, or is it more fun to eat because you enjoy the taste, the texture, the smell, the sight of it? And isn’t it boring when you can just buy something in the store, and you don’t have to hunt and kill it?? You CAN make it difficult and grow your own food, and only eat what you have killed, but you can also choose to enjoy what is being given to you, what is already there for your enjoyment.
And besides, you don’t have to worry about letting go of the illusions will be boring, because it will take you many, many years to get there. You are only starting to scratch the surface of your limiting beliefs, so you won’t be bored and finished for a long time. No need to worry about having nothing to do, because there is plenty of work ahead of you! You need to realize, the freedom and the happiness that you now see as the ultimate goal, that is a space at the outer corner of your vibration. It is the top point of the vibration you now have. And this vibration is a fairly low vibration because you have so many limiting beliefs, and so much subconscious negative thought patterns. There is 40 years of fear buried within you. This top point of your vibration now, is going to be the bottom point of your vibration a few years from now, because as you keep raising your vibration, you open up to the potential of more and more joy. The joy you can sense and imagine now, will at some point be on the lower scale. This means that when you imagine a life at the top, you are still imagining a life filled with plenty of fear. So you might believe it is just a matter of “surrendering and letting go of the illusion”, but that beliefs is proof of how little you understand. You are living in a tiny bubble of the reality you can explore, and the depths and widths of joy and freedom are a million times bigger outside this tiny bubble. Right now you are aiming at the top of the tiny bubble, but the real top is so far beyond your bubble that you cannot even imagine it.
It will not get boring, but it will get scarier, until you let go of yet another layer of fear. And then start over again.