The thing with control is that it often reveals our deepest and truest desires.
Right now, in fact most of your life, you have been trying to control. You’ve been attempting to control the outside conditions in order to create a world around you that doesn’t dig into your sore spots or push your triggers. Surrounding yourself with people who don’t challenge you, but who keep the same limiting beliefs as you do, so you can stay safe and small.
You’ve been trying to control yourself, to make you less offensive to others, so you don’t have to deal with the trigger in you when others make it clear that something is wrong with you for triggering them. Manipulating yourself into smallness or mediocrity in order to not offend, not challenge, not be too much or too little for THEM.
And where does that lead? To pain.
And what does it reveal? Your desire to belong. Your desire to be loved.
But we can only belong when we feel safe and appreciated for who we truly are, in our authentic expression. As long as you need to control and limit yourself in order to be accepted, you won’t feel safe. You don’t feel like you belong because you are not being your true self. You are being less. Hence why you feel like you are not enough. Because in a sense you aren’t. You aren’t being the fullness of who you are, and so you FEEL that within you as a sense of “I am not enough”. You interpret that to be that you are not enough for others, when in fact it simply means you are not tapping into your fullest potential.
You crave to be loved, but that too requires your authentic expression. When you are not being yourself, you are receiving praise for who you are not. And every compliment feels icky and hurts, because you are being complimented for something that is not you. The praise doesn’t belong to you, but every time you receive it you are cemented deeper into the character that feels foreign. You push yourself deeper and deeper into the illusion, and yeah that creates pain within you.
What if you try something different? Play with it a while. What if if you let go of trying to control how others perceive you and receive you. What if you let them stew in their own limitations, and focus on setting yourself free from yours instead? What if you stop trying to MAKE them love you and LET you belong, and instead make a home for yourself in your own dimension? A dimension where you are enough, because you are ALL of who you truly are. And those that see you, those that can reach you, may climb up to meet you. I promise you there are already people inhabiting that dimension. You just can’t see them yet, because you keep looking down to dimension of your controlling and inauthentic self, looking for the folks that validate our lack. You can’t be anchored within both dimensions. Which one do you choose?